Introspection

It is that time of the year again when introspection forces me to crawl out of my shell and wax lyrical. So here I go again! A word to the wise though before my regurgitate clouds your senses. This is not an ode to the past year, rather a testament to surviving the last 365 days which have been the most recent bane of my otherwise nondescript existence.

My compulsion to expound on the past year is more from compunction than anything else really. It was full of life, smothered by death, characterized by despair and hope, fraught with disappointment and marked by resolve, it was the year of redemption and salvation with a smattering of resolve.

2012 was the journey of self-discovery and the year that some things came full circle, the year when bridges were rebuilt and when some new ones were razed to the ground, the year of tomfoolery and unwitting wisdom.

2012 went by in a blur but at some moments seemed to stand still;it was the year of emergence and submergence of emotions hitherto unbeknownst to me. It was like setting off on a journey that has no destination. It was the year that I began to understand the meaning of the word “purpose”. The year of irony.

2012 was the year when I first understood how fast 365 days could go by with a reasonable amount of meaning despite the flurry of inundated “nothings” comings forth as measurable quantifiable infinites. It was the year of self-discovery, yes; it was also the year that I lost myself in me. For the first time I understood what I was all about. It was the year I found out what I am meant to do with the rest of my life.

That might sound precocious or arrogant to some but 2012 taught me many things. 2012 taught me first that a bad beginning is the making of a fairy tale and that they (fairy tales) do not exist all in the same breadth. It taught me that there is no such thing as destiny. You make of what you are given; you eke out of the dregs of reality your own Nirvana.

2012 was my very own Gethsemane. 2012 was the length and simultaneously the width. It was everything and it was nothing. It was infinite in scope and scary wonderment of the inextricable that has lain bare yet unseen right before my eyes. Revelation of concealment unhidden unless re-evaluated and skinned to its bare essence.

2012 was the ultimate rambling, I did not write as much as I would have liked yet I did. Not on paper but I discovered that the fecundity of my mind was not limited and never has been but that I have always caged it, out of fear or pure ignorance I am yet to decipher. 2012 was the year that I unleashed myself on me. I tried myself, tested myself and found myself wanting, waiting.

2012 led me to believe that the definition of me is indefinable. I also discovered that I am a little bit of a mental hemophiliac, I don’t want 2012 back, I want it all gone. 2012 made me realize that clocks are not meant to keep time,you keep time, chronometers will simply tell you what time it is. A grand allusion to the illusion of the passage of time. The only true measure of time is laughter.

Everything else is inconsequential and blocked out subliminally, death, loss, distress, rejection, angst, they are all kept under wraps and never define a period but a moment, laughter is the true test of time. God bless me 2012 was a year of unbridled laughter, from the moment I woke up on some days to the portent of the following day on others.

2012 saw me tethered, tittering and tottering over the cusp of the precipice into oblivion and in other instances I clawed myself from the edge hand hold by finger hold to haul myself to the brink of self actualization and back to oblivion. 2012 was the year of the indecipherable most intricate cipher that unraveled right before my eyes. It was the year of simplicity.

And yet as 2013 begins I find that a lot of the lessons that I learnt in 2012 were as a result of the meaning of the original message lost in translation ergo 2013 shall be my year of acute perception, focus and ultimately redemption. In 2013 I wish for laughter, always laughter above all else.