Bedside Manners.

When women make decisions there is nothing flippant about it .Majority are not go –with-the-flow kind of people. They deliberate. They ponder. They have the weighted mean of the last friggin’ poll on any given issue. So it’s not about probability! They draw up “pros” and “cons “columns. It’s what they do!

Some even approach the issue from a socio-economic and environmental point of view that adheres to the tenets of sustainable human development. Then gauge the viability of the project before definitively appropriating resources toward either buying the green turtle neck or the turtle wax for her Prius!

Too much? What do you suppose they think about as they watch you figure out how to work the bra clasp?

For all their analytic skills women have simply failed to understand the male psyche on the issue of “Sleeping together”. Gentlemen; Women will sleep with you because:

  1. They want to.
  2. They want YOU! (Who cares why?) And/or
  3. They want something from you!

Full stop! Or as the Americans so aptly put it .Period! Which would naturally bring us to?

  1. She was ovulating and you were the nearest thing that was not battery operated.

Any sane man will take these odds and run! Men are under no illusions as to the rules of engagement. There is however a difference between “sleeping with someone” and sleeping with them. Let me elaborate.

Like every other social interaction in life, dining, driving, cheating, there is a code of conduct! Etiquette will always come into play. So brace yourself for the sleeping together gospel according to Kadzitu.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news ladies but no matter how hot a guy is chances are that he snores like a runaway steamroller! Along with this propensity to snore, men have been blessed with the uncanny ability to fall asleep almost immediately after coitus. Have you never wondered why people who snore are always the first to fall asleep?  Therein lays lesson number one! –Invest in earplugs.

I cannot be sure about other guys but spooning will lead to sex and yes sometimes even after we have just had sex. It’s very rude to spoon and not acquiesce to my Willy ways. It’s tantamount to teasing and blue balls are not something men hold dear!

Cupping your breasts is a perk I allow my hand when the rest of me is in repose. Granted clammy boobs can be a little disturbing but what the hey! Contrary to popular belief men’s fascination with the female torso is not limited to visual stimulation! It is a fetish in its own right!

Sprawling all over me during the night is highly encouraged. Simulated shift stick practice will be rewarded instantly! See section on spooning for further details.

Duvet hogging is a huge problem and may lead to other endevours in an effort to stay warm albeit duvet-less. We are not entirely without the ability to make small sacrifices!

Sleeping patterns are important in forming a cohesive relationship. However there is a caveat to this in that in some cases, occupational hazards involve haphazard sleep patterns. Creative types for instance will wake up at odd hours to complete one thing or the other. If you are lucky he is using a Mac book pro or he paints in the nude or he might be on call and his beeper goes off!(Do they still have those?)!

My girlfriend on the other hand has found it necessary to have a pack of tampons in the nightstand .She claims they are an adequate substitute for earplugs!  It’s probably three in the A.M.  and I am banging away merrily at “Magdalene” my 1965 Remy typewriter.

Unless explicitly asked to by yours truly please feel free not to buy beddings. They will probably have floral print or come in some colour like mauve, or sapphire blue. Two things can happen when you tread down this path.

I might pretend to like them and make all the appropriate noises. Undoubtedly, I will seethe quietly and feign listening to your subversive diatribe on how am too old to have Batman covers. This might lead to me silently resenting you which may in turn lead to some physiological malfunction or other that might require chemical stimuli to remedy!

The second thing that could happen is the forceful expulsion of the contents of my last meal in the most unpleasant of ways at the sight of some horrible African print on my bed.

Two is the maximum number of pillows allowed on the bed! One for you and the other for me. The thought of rearranging a myriad number of differently sized and sometimes odd shaped pillows is both a source of tedium and a redundant act for which I lack the wherewithal to accommodate.

No matter how many times you comment on the fact that silicone is no substitute for the real deal, the life sized poster of Pamela Anderson will remain on the ceiling above the bed. Mentally I will always wish that you would discuss your deep rooted “inferiority bust” complex with your therapist and leave me the hell out of it! You are after all the one on the bed!

Food and drinks are not strangers to the bedroom so please stop yelping every time you accidentally sit on a slice of pizza from the night before last it was simply mislaid and will be consumed at a later time!

Keeping to these simple rules will greatly influence the renewal of your three month rolling over girlfriend contract. Sleep well everyone! (Oh yes! and Shalom!)

P.S.  Please remember to take my spectacles off my face when you are done with the pillow talk? I probably nodded off when you started talking about your latest fight with mother dearest.

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About BMK

I have always been overwhelmed by the exuberance of my own verbosity and the fecundity of my mind's eye. View all posts by BMK

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