I succumbed to reality a little miffed. The precipitative catalyst to the sudden interruption of my sojourn through the murky labyrinth that masquerades as my mind was the incessant vibration of my cell phone. As usual I had been trying to piece together the drunken blur that was the events of the previous evening.
I was reconstructing a particularly scintillating conversation with a dear friend of mine when I was thus rudely interrupted. Worse still it was one of those tortuously mundane, doubly dreary and infinitely long yet inconsequential drivel that you are subjected to by distant relations.
Anyway, back to my reverie. This friend of mine knocked my socks off with one of the most brazen plans she has ever concocted. The plan she told me was to lobby her fellow employees to sign a petition for a “Wanking break “! Her assertion was that it would lower if not completely eliminate the spread of HIV at the workplace whilst boosting morale!
I shuddered out of the inevitable paroxysms of laughter that ensued when I realized she was dead serious.
As such things evolve I was next on the stage having set my mind to massacre Frank Sinatra’s timeless classic “My way”. Halfway through the first stanza I made up my mind to butcher the last line and sang out “But more, much more than this, I wanked it my way!” She promptly joined me on stage and thus began a slew of very raunchy, drunkenly glorious duets. Suffice it to say that we made a downright nuisance of ourselves! Hogging the mic and inserting either wank, tosser or jerking off in every possible line of every song we sung. Most memorable was an outrageous rendition of Bob Marley’s dully renamed “Wanking in vain “.Her beau hauled us out of there soon after .
As I contemplated on the possible repercussion my drunken repertoire would have should it make its way to “you tube”; dashing any aspirations to run for high office in the land. (Well there is still president of Matatu welfare Association up for grabs I guess.) I stumbled on a thought.
Masturbation is still a bit of a taboo subject if not the elephant in the room of sexual proclivity. We have come a long way in our discussions on sex but masturbation is still the poor distant relations we would rather not think about. So I had the brilliant idea to write something on the subject!
I was thinking along the lines of “Wanking for Dummies: A comprehensive analysis “or “Self appeasements 101” better yet “All you need to know about jerking off: A ten step guide.” I will not harbor any ambitions of a Pulitzer in the future for my literary efforts but I would bet you my left butt cheek that book would fly off the shelves! Who could resist an illustrated edition of the “Wankers Kama sutra”?
I appreciate that Chris Rock took a stab at the topic in his stand up comedy. Whilst the question and subsequent answer were funny they were not quite as satisfactory as the act itself. So before I begin work on my manuscript could anyone enlighten me on the following? Why do women get so mad when they catch their man jerking off? It’s only a ménage moi! Technically it’s not cheating!
And while we are at it; why do men act like they have been caught with their grubby little fingers in the cookie jar instead of on their knob? I think Ciku could have a TV show spin off of her ‘Busted’ show with a programme where she busts wanking partners! (Damn! am on a roll! I should turn my thoughts to alchemy next.)
Seriously though, why the stigma on “Me time “what’s love got to do with my “Man –to –hand relations”? Besides women do it too! It’s not the sole preserve of men! That ‘Rabbit’ she bought is not just to spice up the bedroom action! Its currently interviewing for the position you are about to leave vacant. And we all know how women cannot stand a glaring void in their affairs!
We must also acknowledge that there are documented cases of compulsory masturbatory disorder but it is a rather niche inclined state of mind almost completely consisting of inmates. But it seems quite fitting considering that as a guest of the state the host has deemed that you best keep your own counsel!
But other than that is there a downside to taking matters into your own hands? Would you vote for the “Wanking Break protocol”?