To eat or not to eat

It is not news that Kenyan men are a selfish lot in the sack. Forget about the long-standing complaint about their poor snogging technique. Women have now upped the ante. By far their most heinous crime is a lack of reciprocity in the oral stimulation of the vertical smile.

On the rare occasion that this much sought after treat is proffered, it is a halfhearted affair conducted with little zeal and gusto. It is often treated as an entrée and never ever as the main course. A few cursory nibbles and the wandering lips move on to more palatable tit bits on the buffet.

Many relationships are in danger not because of a lack of eating out but not being eaten out. Undoubtedly, the female vertical smile is a confusing place for dummies. It just does not do to wade through blindly.

Armed with some limited information I sought to establish some truths and what I unearthed was quite revealing. The nexus of the problem when I probed some female friends seemed to be a lack of skill and enthusiasm for the task. In cunnilingual terms there are several classes of men whom women love to hate.

The slob: This guy just slobbers all over the place aimlessly. If it was not for his drool, the environs would be as dry as the Gobi Desert for all the boredom his efforts yield.

The happy camper: This guy starts of with determination and then picks a spot (usually not “The spot”). He lingers there indefinitely until he is nudged to move on.

The way-too-much- tongue man: Really? There is such a thing as too much tongue? What do women want?

Brer rabbit: Gentlemen buckteeth are not a plus, and that gap is only good to look at. I wonder how many clits have been stuck in between teeth.

Mr Grills in the mouth: As far as women are concerned, grills are for keeping bad people out. She is a gold digger playa not a gold teeth digger.

The ditherer: The only dithering dude who gets the girl is the character so often played by Hugh Grant. When you are down there please make up your mind. Are going up, down, in or out? Do not hover above the field of play in uncertainty. It kills the mood.

Never-ever guy: The guy who never gets called back or laid twice. All the above at least get a second chance.

So, there you have it gentlemen. Where do you fall?