Kadzitu’s guide to gay bars for straight men

I got another wedding invitation today. Yet another one of my backups is getting married! What is going on? Is there some kind of marriage bandwagon that has not passed near me? Everyone seems to be getting hitched! Is there a marriage epidemic? Some sort of outbreak? Too much kissing under the mistletoe last Christmas? Was there a marriage proficiency test whose results are released at this time of year or something? What the fuck is going on?

On the bright side one back up asked for a two year extension as well but that is not the point! This dire state of affairs has led me to buy a male fairness cream! Actually I saw it on the shelf of the supermarket and curiosity got the better of me. This leads me to my first digression.

The box of this male fairness cream shows a good looking black man whose face has been split into two. A slightly darker left and slightly lighter right side. The question that immediately sprang to mind was “Which side am I supposed to be more attracted to?” the darker more African side or the lighter more Caucasian looking side? He was a handsome dude either way so I figured if I ended up looking half as good as him I didn’t really care which half it was.

Anyway all this happened as I browsed through fb on my phone and as the teller rang up my purchase I wondered idly if anyone at the local gay pub I was going to watch champions league soccer at would notice I had the stuff on me . I should really stop going to the place but the service there is so good I don’t mind the intermittent gay episodes it subconsciously induces!

Seriously speaking I have no idea if the service there is so great because of the very obviously gay majority who frequent the place. But if that is the case its gay bars for me from now on! Yes guys I said it! On the eve of Thank God its fucking good Friday I said it! Apart from the great food and service though there are certain pitfalls that a straight guy{ as opposed to a crooked guy?} should be wary of.

Kadzitu’s guide to gay bars for straight men [proper!].

1. Keep your gob shut especially if you are alone or have a voice like Barry white

2. The longer you stay the more effeminate you will feel. If you catch yourself cheering on the gooners an octave higher than usual that’s normal regardless of sexual orientation. If the same happens to a Chelsea or God forbid Man U fan get out immediately do not pass go.

3. You shall start to have an appreciation for cheese. Don’t ask me how or why I had no inkling there were so many different types of cheese until I heard a game long diatribe on the merits of just one cheese!

4. You start asking one word questions with one raised eyebrow especially after someone says something particularly interesting [or not].’’Really?’’

5. Your hands will loosen at the wrist and your gestures will become more fluid. At least you can now show someone the finger with grace and flair though they might not you too seriously since its more or less done in slow motion!

6. After a month or so of watching soccer with gay men [yes they actually watch the game!] you will experiment with either one or all of the following. Manicure, pedicure, foot massage [not a full body massage with a happy ending!]or a facial.

7. Your vocabulary will also expand to include wet wipes, mani-pedi, avant garde, gauche, bohemian, etc all this is gay talk.

8. Your diet will also change and you will describe food as divine, lovely, sublime, crispy etc this is gay food talk.

9. What you did the night before is either awesome, the restaurant you ate at was tres chic! Blah! Blah! Blah! This is gay small talk.

10. Do not tell any gay jokes. Refer to number one should the urge to tell one come over you. For a group of people seeking acceptance and tolerance the gay community are a very irritable bunch.

Because am sitting in the comfort of my home I will attempt a very distasteful gay joke regardless of whether anyone will be up in arms accusing me of gay bashing soon after this.

To all my gay drinking buddies, stop taking life so seriously all the time. If you can take a dick you can take a fucking joke!

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About BMK

I have always been overwhelmed by the exuberance of my own verbosity and the fecundity of my mind's eye. View all posts by BMK

One response to “Kadzitu’s guide to gay bars for straight men

  • Matthew Kwena

    Dude I like! But in regard to our erswhile banter,the colorfull language employed with reckless abandon in this here piece makes it a tad difficult to publish in a paper that targets the masses.Send me 5 palatable pieces, a guy.The features editor waiteth!And by nature,as you well know,editors and patience are mutually exlusive terms!!!!!!!

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