Today I saw a side of me that I never want to see again for the remainder of my not so pitiful existence .It was a side that not only left me petrified but one I found totally repugnant to my psyche .The thought that I was capable of such horrendous errors and hideous miscalculations shook the very tenets that I thought I operated on.
I was guilty of one of the most heinous crimes known to man Neanderthal and beyond .I stared into the mirror and I could barely repress the feeling of revulsion that swept over me .I branded the man in the mirror an insidious fraudster and a hoax.
The pretender stared back at me without a trace of remorse evident .The turmoil within was a completely different story though. The guilt that pounded on my conscience was almost palpable. I was completely staggered by the enormity of my blunder.
Sadly though there was no sand handy to stick my head in so I settled for the next best option….I went to confession “Forgive me father for I have sinned .It’s been never since my last confession.” After a brief narration of my transgression I was sentenced to 50 “Hail Mary’s “.
That pitiful attempt at penance did nothing to salve my guilty conscience .You have to understand that this was a perilous time for me and as such called for drastic measures .I abandonded all evasive maneuvers and opted for the direct approach.
A profuse apology was required and before self doubt and or procrastination swept away my resolve I swung into action. I whipped out my cell phone and hit speed dial !This I did with the full knowledge of the shrill insults that would assail my ears should the victim pick up my call for that was whom I was calling.
I drew a deep breath having settled on a preemptive effusiveness of self debasement and blatant groveling for forgiveness. The connecting beep was my cue but she was quicker on the draw! The numerous self depraving insults at the tip of my tongue were hurled back at me with equal parts of eloquence and venom.
The much dreaded confirmation of the enormity of my crime came crashing down on me .Crushing my fighting spirit. I was jerked back to reality by the sudden lull in the vitriolic monologue from the other end of the staticy line. For a moment I floundered, lost, then I plunged into an impassioned defense that would have had Zeus shedding a tear!
I especially expounded on the extent of my remorse and concluded that actually I had no hope for forgiveness let alone a chance at redemption since I was undeserving of such magnanimity. Am sure that the mention of benevolence must have clinched it for I detected a subtle softening of the “harrumphs “being hurled my way. That lifted my deflated spirits. I played my trump card.
I promised that I would gouge out my eyes ,pull out my hair, walk around in sack cloth all the while pouring ash over my head before I even contemplated repeating such an horror. I solemnly swore on all that I held dear to me to never again forget to put down the toilet seat so help me God!