Today I was told by a cheeky feminist (pun intended, she is cheeky if you catch my drift!) that boys don’t grow up their toys just get bigger. Yes even those boys who grow up playing with and or by themselves! This got me thinking about the real difference between boys and men.
Boys get to breastfeed while men get to play with around with those lovely orbs! Boys drink coke and watch with merriment as it spurts down their nostrils. Men acquire a taste for most things frothy and get to eject their meals on the backseat of a friend’s car. Boys who played with girls were branded “sissies” in my day. Men get to play with girls and pay child support fees for their attentions!
Boys tear off the heads of their sister’s dolls and teddy bears the only reason most men don’t do the same to their wives’ is a natural aversion to soiled diapers. Boys yearn to grow a beard and walk around mustachioed while some men have beards and the unsightly razor bumps to prove it!
Typically boys play soccer until they can no longer see where the ball is headed. Some men watch soccer in the dead of night allowing themselves to get distracted by women’s wobbly bits ,guzzle copious amounts of booze and doze at the counter until “Madam “ is called to come collect her man. Boys jump nimbly in between puddles on the road while some men look like they need a wheel barrow to move their gut from one end of the road to the other.
Most boyhood memories include the carefree afternoons spent skinny dipping at the river taunting the girls washing clothes upstream! Most middle aged men I know wouldn’t be caught dead in Speedos at the communal swimming pool! Large torso, large hairy belly hanging out all teetering precariously on two wiry legs akin to a potato and matchstick man!
Boys dream of the set of wheels they will drive right from the make, color to the type of interior and sound system they will have. The jalopy I drive is far removed from the jaguar of my boyhood .not to mention the numerous whitecaps induced fender benders I have been involved in.
Boys have a penchant for getting themselves into and out of trouble with relative ease whereas men will unwittingly blunder blindly into sticky situation then get unstuck when they can’t extricate themselves. They usually resort to primitive tactics which include chest thumping, armtwisting and or carrot dangling this is especially true of the political male.
Boys are quite often put across a knee and receive a proper hiding especially when they have been extremely naughty! There is a breed of men who get spanked for reasons known to them, their shrink and significant other and the howling is rarely out of pain.
Like most things boys know exactly what they want for their birthdays. The reason they seldom get what they want is the unrealistic nature of their request e.g. a rocket powered back pack, tickets to wrestlemania etc.Men on the other hand have no idea when their own birthdays are but have to be ‘pleasantly surprised’ by the floral gift wrapped nonsense presented to them [they will usually then find an obscene entry on their credit card bill the following month!] Probably a pair of pink polka dot boxers that she will wear the rest of the year anyway!
Every once in a while when they notice a shift to the demure side on the mistress of the house boys get to throw a fit at the unpalatable nature of the veggies and walk off in a huff .what they leave behind is a pensive male at the head of the table trying to figure out what he might have done wrong in the last couple of days. This alpha male swallows gamefully and forces fingers down his throat in the privacy of the gents at the local pub down the road.
Virtual reality games like ‘Tekken 4’ and ‘Mortal Kombat’are fodder for a boy’s perfect day indoors! Men can get mortally wounded should that choose to play outside of the rules or the field of play! Please note that these games that men play do not have get out of jail free cards or additional ‘lives’ etc .They run the very real risk of ending up with crushed family jewels at best or a quick trip to the ER and a permanent falsetto.
A favorite pastime as a lad was scaring the wits out of female of all ages by dangling various creepy crawlies under their noses. The shrieks, squeals elicited by millipedes, spiders and frogs that used to magically appear from short pockets was to die for! Men can only suppress screams when their ‘shittheart’ emerges from the saloon with a hairdo straight out of ‘Night of the Living Dead!’[Plus another ominous credit card entry]
Boys get to give bashful compliments and are rewarded with a peck on the cheek [which they immediately rub off with false bravado and a quivering heart].men on the other hand get to watch their hard earned cash get frittered away at some mall and their only reward? Tongue –in cheek compliments.
Boys get cookies or extra pieces of chicken whenever they show the minutest understanding of the manic workings of the female mind. After expounding at length on the merits of budgeting men are branded,niggardly,mean,penny pinching and good for nothing[except doling out the dough I guess!]
Boys get pocket money with which they can do whatever they wish,buy snacks,tadpoles,bury it in the sand as treasure etc.Men have to earn a living . They then tick off the following items as they are thrown into the shopping cart
1.Cleanser [what happened to the cleaning properties of soap?]
2.Nail polish remover
3.Masque[when? Where? A ball!]
4.Peel off Mask
6.Conditioning shampoo[Apply 5 to hair hence no need to buy 6!]
9. Hand Body lotion[whose hand is this? Does it not fit in the body that needs number 8?]
11.Moisturizing crème[like the apostrophe makes a difference]
12.Night cream [night cream? Is your skin insomniac?]
14.Vaseline [guess who gets to use this after bitching all the way down aisle three?]
Boys get to a stage where their entire little hormone ravaged minds can daydream about is some little hormone ravaged pretty little twit somewhere. By the ripe old age of twenty they will know what it means to fall in love in love with the wrong one and running away from the deranged stalker.
Boys will quite often get away with only a slap on the wrist for pinching the odd bottom here and there. Unwarranted attempts to slap and tickle can earn men two slaps .one slap full on the face and the second a sexual harassment suit.
Boys are carefree and wild men are cared for and tethered to their poles if you know what I mean! Boys look adorable, sweet, smart, or prim and proper gallivanting about in their three piece corduroy suits. Men attempting this maître d look soon realize it went out with the twist especially the frilly shirts and bowties that complete this ensemble.
I wish I was still a boy .